writes the psychologist-author Neli Byzantiadou (book "Acrobats of love")
Crisis in a couple
When a couple in crisis comes in, I start by asking them both why they think it's worth staying together. In other words, I invite the couple to connect with the positive feelings and qualities of their relationship, to see what their intention is to continue the relationship. It is not always easy for a partner to identify the qualities of their relationship or to talk about the positive feelings they feel. The more angry and hurt someone is, the more difficult it is to connect with the positive. And the more difficult it is for him to connect with the positive, the more angry and hurt he becomes.
And the more one gets angry and hurt, the more the other is troubled.
Sometimes he waits until the first person's emotional charge subsides, and other times he adds his own charge to the already existing one, with the result that the entire pathology of the couple unfolds in front of me.
Bearing in mind that every couple is a system, I do not forget that as a system it resists anything new that it perceives as a threat to its balance and survival. The therapeutic work with a couple also seems threatening, as mirrors will be made, alternatives will be proposed and darkness will be illuminated that will highlight the existing problems and bring to the surface difficulties of the couple, which may have been caused due to internal developments or external events.
Whenever I take on a couple, I imagine the partners as acrobats trying to balance between wear and tear, anger and forgiveness, trust and mistrust. I seek to find and exploit the potential of the couple so that the crisis can be overcome. If eventually overcome. However overcome. And I emphasize this, because for many successful intervention is the one that ensures the continuation of the relationship, while for me successful intervention is the one that provides security for each individual. And this security is sometimes created with one partner far from the other.
Talking about the past
Love acrobats are asked to recall memories and images from their relationship history that hurt them. The history of the relationship clearly has a prehistory, and this prehistory has in turn two different histories, the personal histories of the partners coming together to form a common history. It is the dysfunctional patterns of personal histories as well as shared history that trigger problems and lead the couple to the door of my office. Each acrobat's personal story best explains why he behaves the way the other acrobat does today. I, too, attempt to construct a new reality for both of them, shining a spotlight on what they themselves cannot see on their own.
Having seen many couples over the years, I find that the way each acrobat of love perceives the problem is different from the way of another. Some describe a situation without emotion, others use heavy words to describe it. Some are sure of what they need to move forward together, others seem unsure of whether they want to move forward together. Some clearly name what bothers them, others avoid it. Some believe in evolution, others have already given up trying.
Between companionship and autonomy
Acrobats of love are often caught between companionship and autonomy, that is, between the familiar which brings reassurance and the stranger which brings excitement. Together and apart. Together because that's the only way they're bound, apart because that's the only way they enjoy the charm of their freedom. Too much bonding in a couple sometimes leads to saturation, while too much autonomy causes fear. Although everyone needs to be close to the other, at the same time they need to do things alone. The balance between these two poles, companionship and autonomy, is also what makes a relationship take off.
So working with all these acrobats of love who passed and still pass through my office, I confirm once again the enormous importance of primal intimacy. The primary intimacy is the bond the child has with his parents. The quality of this bond largely determines the secondary intimacy, that is, the relationship that will develop between two partners. If an adult has not experienced a secure relationship with his parents (primary intimacy) then he will constantly look for it in a partner relationship (secondary intimacy), as a result of which he is not able to give it adequately and at the risk of enduring toxic behaviors only and only so as not to lose the supposed security of the relationship.
Love acrobats easily clash inside and outside the office. They even recycle fights and tensions that they have in their daily lives even in the session, ignoring my suggestion that they try a new way of communicating. That's when I don't hesitate to wonder out loud why they want to stay together, since there doesn't seem to be anything constructive between them and it doesn't help them to be together. And it's amazing the strength with which they ally themselves against me, trying to convince me that they came to me to save their relationship, not break it up. They are afraid to break something that they themselves are tearing down with their own hands. They are afraid to dismantle something that they themselves question and sabotage. They are afraid to break up something that involves violence in one form or another.
The acrobats of love are also confronted with another reality, that of power and authority in their relationship.
Who is ultimately powerful and who is powerless? Who decides and who follows? Who is the dependent and who is the codependent? Who is the dominant and who is the submissive? Who is favored and who is wronged? Who is the caregiver and who is the caregiver? Who is the accuser and who is the accused? Who excels economically/educationally/socially and who lags behind? Who feels more confident and who doesn't?
About balance
For them to share a successful relationship, the power scheme that includes equality should prevail, which according to Napier is also the most satisfying scheme. In such a relationship, the two partners alternate roles and sometimes one takes the lead, sometimes the other takes the lead. They basically talk to each other, listen to each other and negotiate whatever concerns them, as they feel confident in themselves and their relationship, so they have absolutely no desire to impose on each other.
There is something else that, in my clinical experience, helps couples share a harmonious and above all healthy relationship. The ability to creatively and constructively manage the changes that arise and control the stress these changes trigger even if they are pleasant, such as the birth of a child or the coming of age. Every change is also a challenge. At least, that's what I think about the change. And each challenge tests the reserves of personal endurance and the strengths of the relationship. Change is inevitable in every relationship, as every relationship is a living organism that evolves and therefore changes.
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