Why can't we leave a toxic relationship?

Why can't we leave a toxic relationship?

When love becomes a prison

We’ve all heard of or perhaps experienced relationships that feel more like emotional prisons than safe, healthy connections. A toxic relationship doesn’t always start with shouting and fighting; instead, it can start as intense passion, a strong connection, a feeling of “having found our soulmate.” But as time goes on, the relationship turns into something that causes anxiety, fear, insecurity, and dependency.

The most painful thing? Even though we know something is wrong, we can't escape it. We get trapped in a cycle of emotional tension, where periods of tenderness follow moments of pain, creating a sequence that seems endless.

But why is this happening? Why do we stay even when we see the signs? Why do some people keep returning to what hurts them? The answers are not on the surface. Instead, they are hidden deep within us, in mechanisms that operate without us realizing it.

This is where psychoanalysis comes in, the branch of psychology that studies the unconscious, the hidden thoughts and emotions that determine our behavior. According to it, our relationships are not simple conscious choices, but the product of internal patterns that are shaped by our early experiences and repeated in our adult lives, often without us realizing it.

Let's examine how the unconscious influences toxic relationships and why, even when we know something is hurting us, we are unable to leave.

Toxic relationship and unconsciousness: Why do we choose the wrong people?

The phrase “the heart has its own reasons” is not just romantic, but also hides a deep psychological truth. Choices of partners are never random. We may believe that we fall in love spontaneously, but psychoanalysis reveals that behind every choice of partner are recurring patterns from our past.

What does this mean? It means that many times we don't choose a partner because they make us happy, but because they are familiar to us. Our unconscious acts like a "hidden pilot", influencing our relationships without us realizing it.

Childhood as a “relationship program”

Our early experiences with love and care don’t disappear, but are stored in our unconscious and shape our relationships into adulthood. If we grew up with instability, emotional rejection, or excessive control, it’s likely that our brains have associated these elements with the concept of “love.” So we may be attracted to partners who make us feel the same way—even if that means pain.

What does psychoanalysis show?

In his psychoanalytic studies, Freud analyzed how his patient's early childhood experiences shaped his later relationships and fears. His unconscious was "trapped" in a pattern of dependency and fear of rejection, leading him into adulthood in repetitive relationships with dominant and distant individuals.

Example from everyday life:

A person who grew up with emotionally distant parents may unconsciously seek out partners who display the same pattern of distance. They may fall in love with people who don't pay attention to them, who make them feel like they have to "win" them over.

The role of unconscious guilt and the “savior”

Another common element in toxic relationships is guilt. Many people in abusive or emotionally draining relationships feel like it's their responsibility to make the other person feel better, to "save" them, or to change them.

Why is this happening;

In childhood, some people have learned that love is not given unconditionally, but is earned through sacrifice. If a child grew up in an environment where they had to care for a parent who was overly strict, unpredictable, or emotionally unstable, then in adulthood they may feel that love is something that requires constant struggle.

What does psychoanalysis show?

Unconscious guilt often traps people in toxic relationships, as they feel that if they leave, they will abandon someone who “needs” them. Psychoanalysis shows that this phenomenon is particularly pronounced in people who grew up in emotionally unstable environments.

Example from everyday life:

A person who learned from a young age to "endure" the anger or emotional coldness of their parents may, as an adult, constantly justify toxic behaviors from their partner, saying "He's not a bad person, he's just having a hard time."

The castration complex and the fear of abandonment

One of the most powerful unconscious fears that leads people to remain in toxic relationships is the fear of abandonment.

What does psychoanalysis say?

According to Freudian theory, abandonment is often experienced as punishment. A child who fears losing their parents' love grows up carrying this fear and as an adult does everything to prevent loneliness.

How does this relate to the castration complex?

Freud describes how the fear of loss (whether of love, power, or autonomy) can create a deep unconscious insecurity. This makes the individual prefer to remain in a toxic relationship rather than face the uncertainty of separation.

Example from everyday life:

Many people prefer to endure emotional or psychological abuse because they believe that loneliness will be worse. This thinking is not always conscious, but stems from unconscious fears that have their roots in the early years of our lives.

Understanding how the unconscious influences our relationships is the first step to recognizing why we stay trapped in a toxic relationship. However, it's not just our inner insecurities that keep us tied down; often, there's also a power and control mechanism that makes escape even more difficult.

How do we get trapped in a toxic relationship?

The answer to the question, “Why do we stay in relationships that hurt us?” is not simple. Those who have never been in such a situation often wonder, “If something is making you unhappy, why don’t you leave?” However, a toxic relationship is not always obviously destructive from the start, nor is leaving it as simple as it seems. There are psychological, emotional, and unconscious mechanisms that make escape extremely difficult.

The unconscious seeks the familiar, not the good.

Our minds don't necessarily seek what makes us happy, but what is familiar to us. When a person has grown up in an environment where love was unstable, cold, or dependent, then a relationship that reproduces these feelings will seem "natural" to them - even if it is toxic.

What does psychoanalysis show?

• The unconscious tends to repeat familiar patterns, even if they are harmful.
• If a child learns that love is difficult, unattainable, or painful, then they will seek similar relationships in their adult life.
• The mind often becomes trapped in a vicious cycle where tension, pain, and occasional reward create a powerful psychological dependence.

Example from everyday life:

If someone grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent, they may be attracted to distant partners. This is not because they consciously prefer them, but because their unconscious tells them, "This is the form of love you know."

The fear of loneliness is stronger than the fear of pain

For many people, the thought of loneliness is scarier than the misery of a bad relationship. Leaving means loss, uncertainty, and an emotional void that they don't know how to handle.

What does psychoanalysis say?

• The unconscious fears the unknown and prefers to stay in a situation that it already understands.
• Leaving a toxic relationship is often experienced as a personal failure or abandonment.
• The person may feel that they do not deserve anything better, due to unconscious traumas or low self-esteem.

Example from everyday life:

Someone in a relationship full of manipulation and psychological pressure may say to themselves, "If I leave, what will I do on my own? The relationship may not be perfect, but at least I'm not alone."

Addiction is not just emotional

Many people stay in a toxic relationship not because they want to, but because they feel like they can't leave. This is not just a matter of emotional weakness, but an addictive psychological mechanism that makes the relationship seem inevitable.

What does the research show?

• Toxic relationships often create chemical dependency, as the alternations of love and pain release cortisol and dopamine into the body, similar to an addiction.
• The person doesn't stay just because of love, but also because of the addiction process itself.
• Intense emotional ups and downs (e.g., arguments followed by tenderness) strengthen the bond, rather than weakening it.

Example from everyday life:

Relationships characterized by intense tension followed by periods of extreme love can create a pattern where the brain becomes addicted to reward. The person begins to believe that the relationship is “unique” because they experience intense emotions that they cannot find elsewhere.

Why does escaping a toxic relationship seem impossible?

Our minds don't let us easily walk away from something we're emotionally invested in. The brain is always looking for reasons to justify staying:

• "It's not always like this, there are good times too."
•  "I'll never find anyone else who understands me like this."
• "If I try a little harder, maybe it will change."

The reality is that the longer we stay, the harder it becomes to leave, as the emotional and psychological dependence becomes more and more intense.

Being trapped in a toxic relationship is not simply a matter of personal weakness, but the result of deeper unconscious processes. However, it is not only our past and our fears that keep us trapped. In many cases, toxic relationships are also based on games of power and control.

How do I break the cycle of a toxic relationship?

Understanding why we stay in a toxic relationship is the first step. The second – and most difficult – is finding the strength to leave. Often, leaving is not just a matter of willpower, but of reprogramming the unconscious so that it doesn’t lead us to the same choices again.

Steps to free yourself from a toxic relationship:

✔ Recognize the pattern → Think: Does this pattern repeat itself in your life? Do your relationships have common characteristics, even if the people are different?
✔ Locate the source → Psychoanalysis shows us that our emotional choices are rooted in our past. What experiences have “programmed” your mind to see love through pain, control, or dependency?
✔ Realize that you deserve better → The unconscious does not change on its own – it needs conscious work. We must learn to recognize what is love and what is dependence, to realize that healthy love does not come with pain and fear.
✔ Seek true understanding of yourself → Profound change does not come from simple decisions, but from systematic self-awareness and inner work.

Psychoanalysis as the key to liberation from a toxic relationship

Emotionally harmful relationships aren’t just a matter of luck or “bad choices.” When someone falls in love with the wrong person over and over again, it’s not an accident—it’s a repetitive, unconscious process.

Psychoanalysis helps us understand why we stay in relationships that destroy us, how early experiences, as well as deeper psychological mechanisms, shape our romantic choices, and, most importantly, how we can free ourselves from these patterns.

The book “The Werewolf” by Sigmund Freud is one of the most revealing psychoanalytic studies in history. Through a real-life case, it analyzes not only the patient's childhood, but also the deep connection between desire, fear, sexuality, and trauma. This study illuminates how a person's early and later experiences can shape their relationships, unconscious phobias, and the continued repetition of harmful patterns in adulthood.

Is it time to break the cycle of a toxic relationship?

If you want to learn why we choose what hurts us, how the unconscious shapes our relationships, and in what ways we can rewrite the script of our love life, this book is one of the most powerful tools for self-knowledge and psychoanalytic understanding.

Discover it today and see your relationships through a new, more conscious eye. FIND IT HERE!